Suck It Up Butter Cup!
I recently read an article where a mom was stating she essentially didn't want to coparent with the step mom because she didn't have the child with her. She was saying that the only person she should co-parent with is her ex because she doesn't know if the new wife will be around and it's her child, her choice. She proceeded to say that if her and ex start reminiscing about the past new wife shouldn't be jealous and to essentially get over it. What stuck out the most was her stating that she will always be the mom and essentially the step mom has no say so and or title. I could go on but truthfully it got my blood boiling. This particular type of mom gives moms a bad rap, she hasn't gotten over her ex, somewhat bitter, resentful, spiteful and most importantly she's going to scar her children. When a couple decides to divorce or separate, at that moment and time a internal decision must be made; A. Do I move on Or B. Should I live in my own fantasy land. I'm hoping as a sane rational person you'd pick A. When you choose to accept that a relationship is over or one person wants out, you'd accept it. By doing so you're allowing yourself the freedom to grow, find peace and be happy. In turn you can communicate with your ex regarding your child. A healthy relationship may be set up to co-parent successfully. Parents that are co-parenting do not sit and "reminisce" about the past. This includes memories regarding their relationship, child birth and or any other experiences. The conversation on hand is about the child now, present tense. Not how it was before, if the topic of conversation is going down memory lane, you have just set yourself back and I highly suggest you reevaluate your relationship and why you feel the need for your exs validation. Your ex, is an ex for a reason. Things didn't work out between the two of you, that doesn't mean it won't work out for your child and their parent. The question you should always come back to is, "how will this help our kid". Moms, Dads, you will always be the parent no matter what. That is your role, your child will not fill it with another person. Most of all the step parent doesn't want to fill that role. The step parent knows their title, it's to be the bonus parent. As a parent you should welcome a step parent, they are willing to accept your child, show love and compassion, help, plan out schedules and more. Do not make their lives difficult, they have direct contact with your child. You need to show your children that you can have a decent relationship with the step parent because your child needs to have one with them. Lead by example, a child needs a healthy role model. I don't know any step parent that actively seeked out a partner with a child. When they met their future spouse, that person understood the ramifications. They knew they would be interacting with a child and step mom. It was a decision they clearly made themselves and were aware of what they were getting into. Then they made the conscious decision to continue in the relationship and accept the children. So please do not undermine the step parent, they can be a great ally. Your ex has remarried? Remember these words, your ex and his new partner are now one unit, a team. You will not divide and conquer, you will not cause problems and be jealous that they've moved on and you haven't. There is no way that a private conversation can take place between you and your ex without the significant other knowing. So whatever you say will be shared and rightfully so, choose your words wisely. Co-parenting isn't about your feelings or your ex's. It's about the child, how they feel, are they reaching milestones, scholastic achievements, what extracurricular activity they're in, what atmosphere the child is being raised in, the love they are receiving and much more. If you choose to build a toxic environment then you have no one to blame but yourself. You can't constantly argue with your ex and believe your child will come out unscathed. The more hate and heartache you create, the resentment will become strong and your child will be subjected indirectly to your ex and step parents anger and frustration. As parents when we decided to have a child we made the conscious decision to put another person needs, wants and feelings ahead of ourselves. Nothing has changed, the dynamics of parenting has differed but that promise is still the same. To this mom who wrote the scathing article I don't know if you'll find this however I'm going to be blunt, move on. There's no looking back with your ex, he won't hold your hand and walk you through anything and you will not break up his relationship, know your boundaries and respect it. You need to co-parent and focus on what's right for your child, not what's right for you.