Hate your ex more then you love your child?
Having an epiphany is truly an "aha moment." I now understand Oprah when she describes this phenomenon. An awakening is taking place, your blood starts to pump faster, something physically is occurring to your body and soul, all you can do is think about how you can share this moment, educate people and make a difference. My day started of just like any other day.
Dropped my son off at school and a dad walked in asking where the ballet class was taking place, it's his daughters first day and he wanted to take a peak. His wife had let him know that today was the big day and that their daughter would be pleased by a surprise visit.
It got me thinking, men or women, when in a relationship, they're a nuclear family, a family that keeps each other in the loop, participate in events, make time for one another and most importantly their children's needs and wants come first. Without a doubt, if the child needs to attend private school, take extra curricular activities, set up playdates, whatever the necessity or desire, it's accomplished, no questions asked.
Once a divorce occurs the person who is the driving force of keeping the kids calendars up to date and making sure the other parent shows up is no longer appreciated or desired. The non-custodial parent no longer wants to participate in anything above and beyond that's expected of them. Non-custodial parent will be active and present during the time that has been negotiated, they don't have ambition to go above and beyond what they normally would have done because they just don't have to "show up" any longer. They choose themselves, is it because in their mind everything is compartmentalized, are they thinking they've met their child's needs on their "time" or they aren't getting their money's worth and don't see the need to give emotionally any further or is it that they just don't care to. Whatever the reason, the NC parents emotions, wants and needs come first, it's no longer what the child desires to flourish. Once it's brought up to the NC parent there go to answer is, "I don't get along with my ex that's why I don't see my child."
Is this really an excuse? Your hate and contempt for your ex is greater than the love of your child? Why wouldn't you pick up the phone and call your child, why wouldn't you want to be a stable figure in there life? The excuse of not getting along with your ex, or not seeing eye to eye is never a reason, news flash, that's why you're no longer together because you two couldn't understand one another. The beauty of separation is you no longer have to understand one another in order to co-parent, you just have to accept and respect one another.
To the parent that's using your ex as a shield, all your doing is lying to yourself. You tell others how horrible your ex is, you can't see your child because of your ex, you can't communicate, be an active parent because of your ex, you'll gain pity and sympathy that you're looking for from others, they'll stroke your ego and yes, some will join you in the bashing of your ex but what do you really gain from that? Twisting lies, manifesting false scenarios will become your reality but the truth that your child is living is nowhere near what you've created.
Your ex doesn't want to fight regarding the children. Kids aren't a pawn in a game, they are real, human beings with emotions, who want to be loved. Children crave a parents unconditional love, respect and acceptance, this is their foundation. Children want to build a relationship with their parents, together or divorced they need to connect with both parents and they want to see their parents get along. Parents it's up to you to establish and keep this connection healthy, not the childs. It is your responsibility to be the adult, set aside your anger for your ex and co-parent effectively. When you have children you can't be selfish, narcissistic, egotistical tyrant. Save that for someone else, not your child and or the person who is co-parenting with you because that's the other parent, an extension of your child.
Be open and understand at the end of the day as parents we want the children to be well adjusted, peaceful and thriving. The world is a cruel place it isn't our job to toughen them up or get them ready. It is our job to instill acceptance, patience, tolerance, love and most importantly that we create a world so beautiful for them that they want to make a difference in someone else's world.
Stop lying to yourself, take a look in the mirror and accept that life isn't always the way things are planned out but life is beautiful when you choose to be an involved parent, that's willing to co-parent. Be present, involved, willing to talk to your ex regarding your child not because you're paying support but the sheer fact that your child is counting on you to do the right thing and most importantly be a decent human being. Let the love of your child exceed the dislike for your ex.